It’s been a while. Didn’t really know what to say or if I should do this blog thing in the first place. You get sucked in quite easily, into this virtual world that lets you believe that you have to show your authentic self to the world; otherwise you will be forgotten. And then you come home after doing a job you love and you sit on the couch with the love of your life and you both sigh a big sigh of relief that you can finally be together, in this house, in this world and be happy. And at that moment in time you don’t give a fuck about your authentic self. You just want to be in the moment.
I’ve been very tired lately. It was that kind of year. It felt like it would never come to an end, this year. Apart from the obvious tragedies which we all have been a part of – some more from a distance, some having been in the midst of it all – it was a year full of personal, professional and creative challenges. Each challenge has been very welcome, as the sum of them all has ultimately made me a much stronger person (or so I feel).
This year started with anxiety and a very acute awareness that taking care of my self has to become an absolute priority. Realizing that not everything can be solved with a smile and a drunken night out has helped me get a grip of my self, which has weirdly made me much more relaxed and spontaneous. Don’t worry, I am still not cool, but I can sometimes pass as a semi-cool big sister type of person.
The anxiety had a lot to do with this immense task that lay ahead of us: organizing the release of our first record as a band. And it was exactly the amount of stress I envisioned it would be (and so much more). I did not really rest or sleep ‘til March. Until the fateful evening arrived and I arrived on stage to the applause and support of 300 people…
The emotions I felt on stage that night are far too abstract. I could not possible try to explain what it felt like. I could see everyone’s faces and there were moments in which I loved each and every one of them. They loved me back, just for this very fleeting moment. And all was good in the world.
It was exactly how it was supposed to be: beautiful, intense, funny, sad and so much more!
As you can read, I allow myself to get emotional. It has been become clear to me that that is my kind of resistance. Others try to distance themselves from the emotions they feel, as it gets too strenuous over time. I understand the inclination. And yet, I do not want to resign. I don’t believe that being rational and being sensible are the same thing (and I never have). You cannot possibly understand the reality and world you live in without having a feeling about the things and people around you. And only if you acknowledge the sentiments and sometimes resentments that inhabit you, whether you want it or not, only then can you get passed the emotion and shape your rational to accomplish something sensible (wow, that was a really long sentence).
Music (and the whole human adventure attached to it) gives me the strength and motivation to not give up, to not let the bullies of this world silence me and make me believe that my emotions won’t do any good in this world. I think they can. I think that I can entertain and move people on stage. I think that I can make someone smile with my stupid jokes. I think I can comfort someone by letting them know that they’re not alone. I think we all can do some good if we resist this temptation of not caring for one another anymore.
So, I do not really have a resolution for 2017. I feel like this cycle has only just begun for me. But as long as I know that people are still out there listening, as long as they are people who come see our shows and have a beer with us afterwards to laugh and cry and curse, as long as there are people who are willing to fight the cynics and as long as there is love and friendship in my life: I know I’ll be just fine.
So, whoever you are, wherever you are and whatever you do: resist! The world needs you, always has and always will!
And just because it most definitely was one of my highlights this year, here’s a little something from the show we did in March. Enjoy! And have a very merry and silly Christmas!